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If every U.S. sports team converted to metric, Americans would understand the metric system by the next game.
Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.
It`s just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms
The only human interaction I want for the rest of the day is the exchange of money between me and the liquor store cashier
Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo? Who has hair on their shoulders? Who`s shampooing their shoulder hair? ... please come forward.
Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
I take so many things with a grain of salt that I`m surprised I don`t have high blood pressure.
Dating Tip: If she hasn`t kissed you by the third date, she`s there for the food.
I really just need a vodka cranberry and a slap on the a$$. Hold the cranberry.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough
Don’t ever laugh in the bathroom it will make people think ur playing with yourself
why don`t we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?
What`s this g-mail? I just got used to e-mail. And why did they skip f-mail?
When there is nothing to do ... That`s what I do