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I`m really wanting to sit and watch a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I can`t wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!
Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
My friends had a surprise party for me last night, well I called it a surprise party they called it an intervention.
My moral in life is simple. You treat me good and I`ll treat you better.
Saw my ex with another guy at a bar last night. So I ordered a beer, took a few sips, walked over to their table, gave her date the rest of my drink and walked away... #leftovers
Why is it when I flush the toilet in the middle of the night, I have a feeling I woke up the entire neighbourhood?
I´m really bored but too lazy to do anything about it.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it`s ok to bite an opponent.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because it happened. -Me, to my empty pizza box
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.