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It has been brought to my attention that those stick figure decals on vehicles are not "kill" scores, but actually suppose to represent members of the family. I will be removing all my decals to avoid any further confusion.
I`m not impatient. You`re just slow.
If advertisers were smart, they`d make a silent, slow-motion commercial that runs at normal speed when you fast forward through it on a DVR.
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that "I don`t care about being healthy and smelling clean."
Last night I went out drinking with some high school friends. About 2 hours into it they were like..."dude, shouldn`t you be hanging out with people your own age?"
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
My 2017 resolution is to stop thinking so much about the future.
Do you think that the guy that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
Why do people with the most to say contribute the least?
Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account
My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device. I call it "No air conditioning".
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole