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Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they`re talking?
Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
Life is very funny, if you take the time to watch it.
Just used a full size twix bar to stir my coffee.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
Some days, I practice positive thinking. Other days, I`m not positive I am thinking.
If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
OMG, you`re huge! There`s no way you`ll fit inside me.- My clothes probably.
People with kids, your posts are all the birth control I need.
Sometimes I can’t remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines…I totally get it.
Why aren`t we letting blind people think that dragons are real?
Keep scrolling , I got nothing.
When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it`s easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.
She caught my iphone before it hit the ground... She`s definitely my screensaver