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I don’t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.
They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone`s cell phone when they aren`t looking is pretty good too ?
It’s hard to get a lot done when you’re busy having a snack every 15 minutes
According to the U.S. Census Bureau: 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. You hang in there!
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with "I got the live bees you sent, they`ll do nicely"
It`s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
It’s 2015, why cant you unselect a floor in an elevator yet?
When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.
I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I´m going back to bed for six weeks.
GOOGLE must be a woman because it knows everything.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
The true trollers are the ones who troll the trolls.
I don’t drink to forget about problems. I drink to create new problems that that make the old issues irrelevant.
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.