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I can`t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
My door is always open. So please feel free to leave.
Is it just me or does chocolate taste even better late at night, hence the the last four letters of the word chocoLATE?!
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
Just found out my daughter`s super power is repeating what I`ve said about others as soon as she meets them.
Imagine taking your girlfriend to your friends house for the 1st time, and her phone automatically connects to his password protected wifi.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it`s considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it`s called "cheating."
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate.
Oh, you fell in love?! I fell in my bathtub.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it.
When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that`s another weakness
Good thing I`m judged on my actions and not my thoughts.