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Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.
Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.
The fact that Burger King can sell you 10 chicken nuggets for $1.49 should concern you more than it should entice you.
Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta
Remember when AT&T told you to "reach out and touch someone" and you ended up with that restraining order? ... Good times!
I`d fight a bear for you. Well, not a grizzly or a brown bear. But maybe like a care bear. I`d fight one of those sonsabitches for you.
Sometimes I can’t remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines…I totally get it.
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
Why are you walking away when we`re in the middle of discussing our wedding plans? Come back! ... At least give me your number!
Welcome to my bedroom,this is where the magic happens.....and by that I mean this is where I read my Harry Potter books.
Ain`t no sunshine when she`s gone..... or sandwiches.... Ain`t no sandwiches either.
I could scroll down my Facebook page and write a country song!!
I feel like we really lowered our expectations of what constitutes magic when we began using it to describe markers