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Of all the things I have lost in life I mis my mind the most
If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
It`s friday!! I smell vodka ;)
Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Often think if I`d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs to, and the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn´t make it any less special. Plus I live so far away that your birthday requires almost no effort on my part. And sorry I tried to kill you all those times when we were
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
I`m the type of person who goes out to a restaurant and orders a veggie burger with cheese and bacon on it.
When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke
People who enjoy life, rarely have a flat stomach.
They should make a "How It`s Made" episode on how "How It`s Made" is made.
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.
When it comes to speaking Spanish I know the essentials. "Taco, nacho, burrito, cheeto, frito & no comprendo."