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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
I´m not cheap, but I am on special this week
Back in my day, we had to remember phone numbers and give people directions and don`t get me started on the dinosaurs.
When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren`t my kids but he`d never fire a Mom of seven, right?
Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I`d say there`s a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says "Recalculating"?
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Everyone wants you to "be honest" until you tell them how much they suck.
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
How to tell if your wife is mad at you - Step 1. She is
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
If Santa doesn`t bring me something good I`m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
My "To Do" list today only had one entry: "Nothing". And it took me all day to finish it!
I`ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.!!
If you’re telling me to relax, it’s probably your fault that I’m not.