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Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.
Today is one of those “yeah, I’m not getting anything done” kind of days.
This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!
Saw a billboard ad for potato chips that proudly claimed "There`s a lot of pride in every bag!" Hmmm...is "pride" another word for "air"?
How do you people have the time to hate a stranger on the internet?
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Alcohol is like laxatives for constipated thoughts. The more you drink, the more sh!t that comes out your mouth.
I found out last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee is sleeping right through it.
he who laughs last thinks slow
If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.
Dear Autocorrect, She`s an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I`m never getting laid.
Sorry, Sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than "he sees how creepy u are, that`s why he doesn`t want to shake your hand".
Pretty impressed at petrol station today, as i was filling up, i heard woman with truck at next pump say is that Vin Diesel, I smiled, then realised she meant Van Diesel :-/