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The only time I use the word “selfie” is when I am describing my sex life.
You`d think my neighbors could have the decency to ignore me back.
If they have an Ice Cream Truck for kids why don’t that have a Beer Truck for adults?
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
It`s amazing how we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes and very good Judges for other people`s mistakes.
Seagull Manager; Someone who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everyone and then leaves.
I`m pretty sure the phrase "Did I say that out loud?" is just a way of adding an exclamation point.
I was told there would be kool-aid.
The wet spot in my bed is tears
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
I`m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.
Apparently it`s ok to leash your dog to a bike rack, but it`s illegal to leash your kid to one. Parenting is hard...
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?
I’m glad to know that we will never have to worry about a lack of weathermen. I mean, I know at least a couple dozen on Facebook.