Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Testing.. Testing.. This is a test. If this were an actual ploy for attention.. I would`ve said "bacon" or "boobies."
Is it a firm rule that you have to be an addict to check into rehab? Because that one in Malibu looks pretty nice.
Keep the dream alive......... Hit the snooze button.
Sometimes when I`m bored, I pick out a girl from my list of FB friends that I`ve never actually met and then go back on her timeline and like every single post she made in like 2009......That should freak her out a bit...
You know you`re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
McDonalds ... closing thigh gaps since 1967.
Cleavage is like the sun. You can look, but don’t stare.. Unless you’re wearing sunglasses.
I just accidentally opened the door for a Jehovah`s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
If you hold a 40oz bottle to your ear you can hear the ghetto.
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
It`s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
Am I the only one who closes the silverware drawer with an epic pelvic thrust?
By the time I’ve said “Nice to meet you” I’ve already forgotten your name.
I know what I`m getting for Christmas ... Fat. I`m getting fat.
The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.