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Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I have lots of great personality traits. Or as my doctor calls them, symptoms.
Let`s all play a game: For every political post, you must post 5 non political posts. #makefacebookhappyagain
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn`t seen me drunk.
The Zoo is a safe place to fart.
How funny is it when you’re telling somebody a made-up story and someone says “Oh yeah I heard about that”?
When I go to the gas station I always get two kinds of drinks so it appears I actually have a friend..I think they`re catching on though.
This silly farmers market doesn`t have any locally grown pizza.
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
Ahhh..Sunday..the biggest decision of the day...to bathe or not to bathe.
I found a real money maker in selling homing pigeons....... So far this month I sold mine 4 times.
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I’m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.