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Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me.
Tonight I plan on drinking until I`m someone else`s problem
Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
Perhaps Voldemort’s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
If you’re not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever you prefer.
The home cooked pizza box says to cook the pizza between 14 and 16 minutes. That`s 15 minutes, right? I`m not reading too much into it?
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes.
“Grandbrother” sounds much cooler than uncle.
"Have you been drinking . sir?" asks the policeman. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" "Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
I can`t tell if I`m really nice but secretly an a$$hole or an a$$hole but secretly really nice.
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
I`m often a little confused when people call me insane because, to be honest, I`m still just warming up.
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi.
I don`t let my friends do stupid things... ALONE
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.