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Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
"I am upping my standards... so up yours!"
There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that”
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean & people think I’m joking.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
I don`t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we`re both pointing at the same tornado.
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
I think the Worst Part about admitting you are an Alcoholic ..is People expect you to Quit Drinking.
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me " maybe life isn`t for everyone"
Who’s that sexy beast…………..oh I clicked on my own profile again. ;)
I got food poisoning today. I don`t know when I`ll use it though.