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Jehovah`s witnesses don`t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don`t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
I want my next girl to be crazy but more "Lets have sex in public" crazy rather than "I throw hot coffee in your face" crazy.
I’m gonna have to get new pets, I’m running out of passwords.
NEVER go to a wet t shirt contest drunk. I won 2nd place.
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
Let’s all take a moment and be thankful spiders can’t fly.
I wish they made bar-stools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I`m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I`m your man.
I hate lying to kids but my daughter asked me what twerking was and I told her it was when identical twins go to each others` jobs
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I`m driving.
With great power comes a great electricity bill.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
If you’ve been naughty… go to your room. If you want to be naughty… go to mine.
If you kept one of those jars where I`d have to put in a quarter every time I swore, you would be a billionaire by the end of the week.