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I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.
Cannibals don`t drink coffee ... They have a cup of Joe instead.
My neck, My back, My Netflix and my snacks...
I don’t want to sound racist, but all stormtroopers look the same to me.
Some people wouldn`t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
A gentle reminder about Daylight Savings Time: If you thought last Monday sucked, this one will prove to be much, much worse.
I pretend I don`t care but deep down I really still don`t care.
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
Flies are everywhere, unfortunately the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.
Ride me like you stole me.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot ... I didn`t even know I had a wife.
I feel bad for the photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles ... Do your damn job.
What`s wrong with having your mind in the gutter all the time?! If it weren`t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless!!!
Sometimes I get a little sad and feel like being alone. But then I talk to my dog about it and he reminds me I`m Awesome. Then WE DANCE.