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Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never aging is wearing the same clothes every day.
If a bra is called an `Over the shoulder bolder holder,` then would you call men`s underwear `Under the butt nut hut?`
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
Regardless of how much time you think you waste, just know that someone created a very detailed Wikipedia page for Grumpy Cat.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open
I hate it when people like their own statuses * At this point you like your status for dramatic effect*
Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.
Is it sexual harasment to say ho ho ho to a female coworker?
Boobs are like the Sun. You can stare at them directly just for a few seconds, but if you put on sunglasses, you can stare as much as you want!
Things you need to know about me: 1- I`m lazy 2- hmm, one is enough
Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.
If each day is a gift, I wonder where I can return monday.