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My girlfriend and I have an open relationship and will continue to do so right up until she finds out.
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
My new bumper sticker ... "Watch out for the idiot behind me!"
Weird that we don`t see more pants on fire
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eegs
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she`s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Just when I think my confidence couldn`t be shakier, some shitty website tells me I have a "Weak Password"
When will math grow up and start solving its own problems
I hate it when people upload song lyrics as their status`s it reminds me of somebody i used to know
This may be the wine talking but help he’s drinking me, he’s drinking me.
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!
I`m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.
You know you should goto sleep when the sheep you`re counting start hitting the fence.
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.