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It`s the simple things that make me laugh....mostly you.
In my most recent survey,,, four out of five women talked crap about the fifth one whenever she was out of earshot.
Screw you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
Basically the way it works is I tell myself I`m not going to eat too much and then I eat too much.
Googling ways to dispose of a body, mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
He said the spark between us was gone..so I tasered him..... Ill ask him again when he wakes up
if ever you need NOTHING, im here for you.
If you smoke after sex, you`re doing it to fast.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you`ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Anything you say will be used against you, in an argument, 10 months from now, because I’m a woman. And we never forget. Anything. Ever.
If cartoons can wear the same clothes everyday then so can I, dammit!
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
Don’t compare yourself to others, that’s when you start to lose confidence in yourself.
When I see a shoe on the side of the road I wonder if Cinderella is in a nearby house.