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A new study has found that women with larger butts live longer than men who mention it.
My poor neighbour suffered a stroke today...I must remember to close the blinds before getting naked.
Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.
I don`t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense ... Like a Bear at mile 3
Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today, or flash them your boobs...... Strangers love boobs!
I’m beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen.
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
I hope to get to the point in my life where I’m not excited about finding change on the ground.
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
Admit it, we all have that special someone we`d visit if given a tank to drive for a day
I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn`t in a band.
Hoping to get "till death do us part" reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.