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Anyone know when Facebook is sending us our W-2`s?
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
It takes two people to lie....one to lie.....the other to listen
I do marathons ... on Netflix.
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
I laughed more at the Broncos offense then I did at the commercials.
Give me a fish & I`ll cook you dinner. Teach me to fish & I`ll just be sitting there in the boat with you getting drunk.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
I can’t believe that all these “single ladies in my area” want to meet me, must be due to all the “free Ipads” I’ve been winning.
It`s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
Adding "and sh!t" at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."