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I`ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don`t know karate.
Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
Yes I`m still bitter about my name not being mentioned in "Mambo No. 5"
Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
It`s so cold outside you can see your farts.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It`s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I`m just looking for a reason not to drink
I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.
I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..
I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels
Does running out of money count as exercise?
If you’re telling me to relax, it’s probably your fault that I’m not.