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I`m a really nice guy before you get to know me.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Seeing a spider isn`t a problem. It becomes a problem when the spider disappears.
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you`re lying becomes less important.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
I`m not crazy, I`m just special!!...No, wait...Maybe I am crazy. One second...I have to talk to myself about this, hold on...
My chiropractor just told me that I`m well adjusted. See? Not everyone thinks I`m a total weirdo...
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don`t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
The internet has made me so ADD. Started off googling "how to replace a timing belt" ended up watching a video on how to milk a camel.
I don`t know exactly who`s health I`m drinking to, but they`re going to be immortal at this rate
When I die I want someone to play that little death jingle from Mario Bros at my funeral.
I was driving thru Farmville and I had to pee ... so I pulled over and fertilized your crops
If you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80`s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.