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I’m going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
Hello 911? Do you think i`m pretty?
When I woke up today, I had no plans to be awesome, it just happened.
"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
My greatest talent is being able to watch 5 years worth of a TV shows in one week.
I`d offer moral support, but I have questionable morals.
My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough
Things could be worse ... sex could be fattening
I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
DO NOT expect a "Bless You" after your 3rd sneeze. Get that sh!t under control.
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.
If you Google the word `overreacting` there`s a picture of me using a fire extinguisher on a spider.