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For once I’d like to get kicked into a bar
Fish must be excellent drivers. Very rarely do you hear about fish getting into car accidents.
If you`ve never played Tetris, you`re probably useless at loading a dishwasher
They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
I`m pretty sure country music singers are all just the same guy wearing different hats.
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
Didn`t win the lotto again ... send prayers.
Jesus said to love your neighbour like you love yourself. Thats a nice saying but if Martin from next door thinks he`s getting a handjob he can f*ck off!
I bet if there were little basketball hoops above every garbage can, littering would greatly decrease.
Before you have any hope for the future of humanity, come and look at how this guy parked.
There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter.
Drinking Tip: Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
Friends that are with you during your darkest times probably didn’t pay their electric bill either.