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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.
If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you`re the worst employee at a toy factory
Call me a hoarder if you want but don`t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Time to get out of bed and worry from another location.
I love buying a $1 burger and getting $2 worth of mayo...
Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
Noise cancelling toilets should be a thing.
I have a drinking problem. When I tilt my head back to take a drink, I can’t see my computer screen.
A murderer was about to be put to death in the electric chair. "Do you have any last requests?" asked the chaplain. "One," he replied. "Will you hold my hand?"
Whenever you`re powerless, remember: A single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant.
new years resolution #1: stop losing the powerball
Not to brag,,,, but legally,,, before something can be labeled "Idiot Proof",,, they have to run it by ME.
I just did a weeks worth of cardio after I walked into a spider`s web.