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Thanks to this huge spider web I just walked into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked.
Whenever I`m on the phone with someone I like to scream "WAIT DON`T HANG UP" right as they`re hanging up & then not answer when they call back.
I believe in magic because it`s the only way to explain how fitted sheets get folded.
I realized that at my income level "Wealth Management" really just means re-organizing the money in my wallet by denomination.
Want the truth? Just ask a kid.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
My 2017 resolution is to stop thinking so much about the future.
I`d like to be poor for a day, because being poor everyday gets to be real annoying after awhile.
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
If heat makes things expand, then I don`t have a weight problem ... I am just Hot!
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f*ck down.
The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.
COCKADOODLEDOOOOOO!!!!
My New Year`s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
I just wanna be the reason your doctor puts you on a new medication.