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Halloween Drinking Game: Drink every-time an Elsa (from Frozen) visits your house.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn`t in a band anymore.
when my swear jar gets full I`m going to use the money to buy a f*cking puppy
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
I just ran butt a$$ naked through Walmart yelling "Stop that shoplifter! she got my clothes!"
Is "drunk" an emotion? Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now...
Never let your printer know you`re in a rush, those bastards smell fear
What can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon?
I Wonder what Facebook Employees do to waste time at work ?
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns ... It`s a play on words.
I will be good today... I will be good today... I will be good today... Yeah.... I didn`t believe it either..
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...