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According to my nipples, summer is over
Dear Santa, I was framed!
If you check Page 4, Paragraph 16, Subsection (d), right after the section on Video Game usage, but before the Book Report Procrastination provision and the No Face Piercings, Ever Amendment , you will that see that I am, in fact, and I quote: "the boss of you."
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Key to a great marriage ... Lack of imagination.
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
I’m not sure why, but to me Cheerios sound like the happiest of all circular shaped cereals.
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 10% of battery remaining.
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head"
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
Waldo’s mom must be worried sick.
Nobody tell my husband that "year round periods" aren`t a thing.
They say laughter is the best medicine... found out that`s not true for treating diarrhea.
You`re right, you didn`t ask that guy for a d!ck pic, but nobody asked for hundreds of pictures of your face either.
My motto for the night ... drink till I no longer think :)