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A recent survey revealed that 4 out of 5 women think I`m an a-hole...
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
Next time you over hear a stranger giving out their number. Text them details of what they are wearing. It`s so fun to watch them freak out!
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
Often I convince myself I enjoy the company of other humans. Then I spend time with them and remember I don`t.
I don`t get personal trainers. I`ve never been exercising and thought "man, I wish someone hot was criticizing me right now."
Wonder if Jesus gets screwed out of birthday presents just because his birthday is so close to Santas?
Has anyone seen where I put my organizational skills?
In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...
Is it just me, or is Fantasy Football basically Dungeons & Dragons for jocks?
Scratch and Sniff Here [____] …Smells like glass, doesn’t it
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?