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New day, same old bullsh!t
Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of the plane...
My neck, my back, my Netflix and my snacks.
Got kicked out of Ziggy`s. " supposably" your not allowed to stand on their scales. Says I broke them. On the brighter side I weigh 135900 grams
If "The Breakfast Club" were made today, it would be a silent film about 5 kids staring at their phones.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in
It`s hard to feel sorry for people when they get what they deserve.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like `Stabbyrabbit` or `Weaponrat`
How come dogs aren’t ticklish?
For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"
Hey officer, why did you stop me? Just an hour ago, you said that you never wanted to see me again.