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United States is where moms get a day and shark get a whole week.
"That`s crazy" is the perfect response when you haven`t been listening.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come to work
If there’s one piece of advice I can give you it’s to marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they wont eat all of yours.
Politicians and diapers should be changed regularly and for the same reason...
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
I hardly know you…. but, Facebook says it’s your birthday, so happy birthday!
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.
If it looks like a pig and walks like a pig, do me a favor & tell my ex girlfriend I said hello.
No one can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it ;)
I don`t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I`ll take a Dirty Hammock."
In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn`t the best way to respond to my therapist.
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me.