Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Never look back. That’s where all the monsters are.
I`m never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
I often worry that mankind is going to start World War III soley because we enjoy trilogies.
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
I have been snoring a lot lately and apparently my coworkers find it distracting
Whats the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.
One square left on the toilet roll and no extras in the cupboard. Well played, honey. Well played.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
I think my smart phone is making fun of me behind my back.
Whenever I tell the cashier to ‘keep the change`, it takes everything in my power not to call them a filthy animal.
FYI....just in case something happens.....The cashier at the liquor store down the street is my emergency contact person.
I don`t know what I`d do without coffee...Probably twenty five to life in the state penitentiary.
Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.
Sometimes I wish there was a `Build-a-Girlfriend`.