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Age sure does change your perspective. Lots of things I hated when I was a kid I love now... like having nothing to do, going to bed early, watching the news, spankings.... stuff like that.
My train of thought likes to circle around the station a few times, take some wrong turns, and end up totally lost.
BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
My neighbors listen to some excellent music. Whether they like it or not.
I can`t face my checkbook so I check my Facebook.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Some people want to get in shape before they go to a gym. Which is the equivalent of losing weight so you can go on a diet
Someone’s going to ruin things; it might as well be me.
I don`t wanna be told what to do unless I`m naked
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
If I didn`t drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
If I was gonna make a bomb, I`d use the same color wire for the whole thing.
Every woman thinks her husband is a moron. And they’re absolutely right because smart men don’t get married.