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Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
the kids next door have challenged me to a water balloon fight. just updating my status while waiting on the water to boil.
Don`t tell me what to do unless you`re naked.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I`ve gotta go find my clothes.
Someone`s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves.
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
I only drink on two occasions; when its my birthday and when its not.
Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she`s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Everyone loved Jack-in-the-box as kids. Now I`m older, I like mine in the bottle
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?