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Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn`t going according to plan.
More often than not, the excitement of a Facebook friend request dies upon discovering who it is.
Do you guys know there are "actual" people out there that don`t have a Facebook account? What the hell do they do all day?
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
You always remember your first Crush. Mine was Orange.
Can anyone tell me how to become a illegal immigrant, their benefits are undeniably more superior to our own.
one day a man seen a fairy, and asked.... could you make me irresistible to all women.... so she turned him into a credit card. :`D
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
People always say that alcohol kills... but if you think about it .... it causes many births too.
Man:Hello doc, my wife is having a baby. Doctor:Is this the first child? Man:No, it`s the husband speaking.
During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.
The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.
My pet rock turned 4,054,870,001 today