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Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it`s because they`ve just killed someone right?
Why don`t we ever hear anyone bragging about their Allstate safe driving bonus checks?
I could really go for a beer and a million dollars.
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
When I was kid, I... No wait, I still do that.
By the time I realized my parents were right, I had kids that didn`t believe me.
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar, because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and ... hold on, are those nuts?
"Lazy" is a strong word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
There`s a special place in hell reserved for the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends.
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals, you probably shouldn`t invite me over.
Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.
I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."