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I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"
Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.
I`m starting group meetings at my house for people who have OCD, not because I have it, but surely one of them will be bothered enough to clean it.
Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working
If history has taught us anything, it’s that reheated french fries are gross.
With all the technology available now, you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.
I use meditation and yoga to handle stress...Just kidding, I pop pills for that sh!t.
Marriage. Because dodging your own family wasn`t enough.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin ... I don’t even know what that means, but now I’m hungry.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don`t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
It`s all fun and games...unless there`s cookies, then it`s serious
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
I`m not saying i hate you but if you were on fire and i had water i would drink it
I don’t know how your day is going, but I just got lucky on the couch! Yep, I found a dollar!