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Who needs dance lessons when you`ve got alcohol?!
I decided to go on a road trip and not come back till I ran out of money... I made it to the end of the driveway.
Sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck.
Little to no thought was put into this status.
If I tell you I can`t text you because I`m driving it`s only because I`m also eating.
The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won`t need to adjust her driving.
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
If you`re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
What if 11:11 actually works but there`s one person in this world that`s wishing for everyone`s wishes to not come true?
Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
Behind that fat girl is a beautiful woman...No seriously, she`s in the way.
Currently helping my sister look for her chocolate`s I ate 4hrs ago.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I never want to go to sleep less than I do at bed time.
She caught my iphone before it hit the ground... She`s definitely my screensaver