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it`s not that I`m bad at remembering names, I`m just awesome at forgetting them.
Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
When does hibernation start? Because I am 100% participating in that.
Work like you don`t have proof of citizenship, Love like you were on a reality TV show, and dance like you were being thrown 100 dollar bills at
I used to wonder what it was like to read people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook account and I got over it.
Just once would I like to see the "Phone a Friend" lifeline on Millionaire go straight to voicemail.
Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja
As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
"I`d hit that!" -Helpful blackjack dealer
I`ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
For the record, giving someone the creeps for Christmas is technically not a gift.
I just found out my smoke detector comes with a warranty. WHAT FOR? If it don`t work, what`s left?
"Wow! That Lean Cuisine really filled me up!" ... said no one, ever.
I have read so much about the dangers of drinking and smoking, that i have decided to quit reading
Smelling another person should be a choice.