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I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.
My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don`t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger`s property and make a non-negotiable demand.
Unless life hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it`s strapped to the top of someone`s car.
Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.
Coffee gives me the illusion I`m actually awake
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I`m OK, but I feel like I`ve dyed a little inside.
I`m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor’s trash so you don’t get robbed.
Nothing makes me more productive than the last minute.
Is it rude to put *vomits* under someone`s post ?
Honey, You really don`t need to drive me crazy, I am close enough to walk.
if your dirty, your dirty... you cant fix it