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Sometimes all you need is $100,000
Driving with your gas tank door open is the equivalent to having your zipper down.
What if in like 30 years they made a film about Leonardo DiCraprio and how he never won an Oscar…and the actor who played him got an Oscar.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
People with jobs: It`s Friday!!! People without jobs: It`s Friday?
If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Sorry, I didn`t get your text...Just kidding, I ignored that sh!t.
no one is perfect thats why pencil have eraser
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”
The only person that can procrastinate more than me hasn`t even been born yet.
I just finished writing an article on "How To Improve Your Memory"- But I forgot where I kept it!!
I don`t know why they call it Everclear. I drink that stuff and everything is a blur.
This status update contains many of the same words that appear on Pulitzer Prize winning novels.
So far this is the oldest I`ve ever been.
If you have a Selfie Stick Pro, go back two spaces.