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A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge
I think stupid people were put on this planet to test my anger management skills.
Life is so much funnier if you have a dirty mind
Why does the girl in the Wendy`s commercials have Ronald McDonalds hair?
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
You know you`re getting old when bending over is a one-way trip.
This week is the 40th anniversary of the Rubik`s Cube. If you kids don`t know what a Rubik`s Cube is, it`s what people would stare at without human interaction before cellphones. Mel
It`s weird to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive me.
If I get an e-mail from you that says "Sent from my Blackberry" at the bottom, please understand that I`m not going to respond. I can only assume that you sent it in 2006.
I honestly don’t care if you think I’m crazy. You’re just a figment of my imagination anyway.
Apparently saying, "You mad, bro?" is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I`d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
I smile because your my daughter. I laugh because there`s nothing you can do about it. ;)