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Worry: a waste of imagination.
How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
Winter needs to calm the f*ck down
There`s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
Best pickup line : wanna get pizza?
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you..
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
To be honest with you, I start all my lies with to be honest with you.
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks, why is there a light in the fridge??
A Relationship is like poker, if you don`t have a partner you better have a good hand.
I`m not funny, I`m just kidding u
I don`t have a drinking problem, you have a problem with my drinking. Big difference.
I just saw the neighbor`s kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I`m thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn`t supposed to.