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I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
I think I`m gonna shave my legs so that there`s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
My hobbies include working out, staying fit, eating healthy, and lying.
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Is it too early for extra nog in my egg?
The only thing I hate about beer is that there`s absolutely nothing I hate about beer... :)
I can read your mind, your thinking about sex right now, no wait, wait.. that`s my mind, sorry, I can read my mind. . .
I`ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo
Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!
I don`t have a drinking problem, you have a problem with my drinking. Big difference.
This morning someone threw Skittles at me and said "Taste the Rainbow", I ran them over with my car and sang,"Nationwide is on your side"
I am hungry 25 hours a day
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.
I think some people just log into Facebook just to send me game requests.