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Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. `I won the lottery`.
If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
I drink to make other people interesting
My spouse thinks I`m crazy. But I`m not the one who married me.
There`s no point in using a big word, when an infinitesimally diminutive one will do.
I love a room with a fire place it sets the tone for a romantic night, drinking wine slow dancing, burning evidence.
I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
I have never been guilty of taking the smaller pizza slice.
The problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude about the problem.
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Driving isn’t even in the top 5 things I’m thinking about when I’m driving.
If you can`t tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you`re a f***ing idiot.
Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn’t have borrowed all that money.
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.