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If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
It`s all fun and games until the cops show up.
Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destoroy the illusion that I am a nice person.
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I`m pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I`m driving"
Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
It’s amazing how everyone cries for free speech until someone says something that they don’t like.
I may be wrong, but I doubt it.
The best thing about weed is it teaches you that it`s okay to take 35 minutes to make a sandwich
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.
If cats could text you back, they wouldn`t.
I`m honest, so when I say I took a "cat nap" that means that I slept for 18 hours and then pissed on your favorite shirt after I woke up.
Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.