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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
Don`t just lay there... Move! Bounce! Do something!! ~ me, pleading with my hair
Is it wrong to drop off drunks at houses that aren`t theirs?
If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you`ll be dead soon.
"The secret is that it`s all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HOPE YOU HAVE AN AMAZING DAY!! (To all of my FB friends, please don`t read this until the appropriate day)
My house has really let itself go.
Why do they leave folding chairs so close to the wrestling ring? Shouldn’t the maintenance staff have learned their lesson by now?
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom’s bedroom. I can’t believe it.. She’s a superhero!
I hope when I die Charlie Sheen`s life flashes before my eyes.
Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.
Don`t worry, kids. Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss.