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Life is like chocolate...sometimes you gotta deal with nuts.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Can you imagine if Facebook just decided to shut down and you see all these confused teenagers coming out of their house squinting at the sun/
For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds...don`t get her a bathroom scale. Just sayin"
Sometimes I feel as though my life should be documented for future generations.
The recipe said "prick with a fork,",,,, but enough about me.
Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods, it could be spam...
McDonald`s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
We get it poets: things are like other things
Respect your parents, they pay for your internet.
Dear Stomach: You`re bored, not hungry. Shut up.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it must be the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
I don`t get in trouble, I just get into questionable situations.