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Unlike milk, it is perfectly ok to cry over spilled whiskey.
I hate it when people come to MY house, knock on MY door then have the nerve to ask me why I`m not wearing pants.
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside.
people say i talk in my sleeep , but no one at work seems to notice
This week’s weather forecast: Sweaty underboobs.
My local hairdresser just got arrested for selling drugs. Unbelievable! I`ve been her customer for 10 years and had no clue she was a hairdresser!
Peanut butter sandwiches taste better when cut in half diagonally...........Listen,, I don`t make the rules people.
90% of the apps on my phone don’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.
Everytime someone says "Expect the unexpected" I like to punch them in the face and say "not as easy as it sounds, now is it?"
Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
If someone says you`re not a mermaid, don`t talk to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity in your life.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.
According to serving sizes tonight, I`m a family of 4.