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The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
Ways to get to my heart: 1) food ... that’s pretty much it
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different from mine.
i just caught a disease so rare that even i dont have it .
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
Don’t let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you’re an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.
Still have my French Maid costume in case any of you have a dirty house. I`ll be happy to sit there and look sexy while your wife cleans....
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks then why is there a light in the fridge.
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Self checkout must have been invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"