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when my swear jar gets full I`m going to use the money to buy a f*cking puppy
I wonder how seaworld would react if I walked in there with a fishing pole....
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they`re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
It`s not condescending if they`re stupid.
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
My fridge is so full of beer ... I`m going to have to drink my way back to the food or starve.
For some people, a new year means a new chance to f*ck it up all over again.
I`m glad it`s the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the sh!t I should be doing.
Monday: A terrible way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I dropped my affordable health care because I couldn`t afford it .
Honey, You really don`t need to drive me crazy, I am close enough to walk.
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pr!ck.