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Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
If I owned an auto collision shop, I’d name it “Auto Correct.”
We look like we are being productive, but really, we are just talking sh!t about co-workers and how drunk we got last weekend.
If I could time travel, I`d make sure the guy who made up the word Walkie-Talkie got to name more things.
"Something`s wrong. He`s never walked this far before."- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them.
Don`t think I didn`t notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.
I`m old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.
Unless you fell off the stairmaster and a barbell fell on your face... no one wants to hear about your workout.
Think about how much more stressful life`s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
Hey babe, go to Google Earth, zoom in on your house. See that blue cap in the bushes? Hi!
If it`s tourist season why can`t we shoot them?
Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that’s my Dad for ya.
Being single is the worst sh!t ever. Being in a relationship is a close second.