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Its not my fault if I blame everyone for my mistakes...right?
I like my women how I like my straws …. Bendy and full of liquor.
That amazing moment when you smack the remote and it actually works!
If relationship breakups never existed, the music industry would go Bankrupt !
Side boob is only hot on women, bro.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
I hate driving so much that I even ring for taxis on grand theft auto.
I want to sleep tighter
The only honest people in the world are small children and me after a couple cocktails.
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I will literally spend $20 on food but won’t buy a $20 shirt.