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Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri says, " In 400 feet, stop and let me out".
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn`t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
Do you ever just sit there and think “why am I not rich”?
So I was thinking... since the kids get the Easter bunny, why shouldn`t I expect a visit from a Playboy bunny today?
I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti! I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day!
Why do sandwiches taste so much better when they are cut diagonally?
Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can`t possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.
Velcro, what a rip-off!
I bet if we all threw our problems into a big pile, we’d see everyone else’s and scramble to get ours back.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, nobody else wanted them either :)
I went around the block with my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.