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People reckon I´m too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they´re stupid).
Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
I hate that I have to put on clothes to participate in society.
Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.
How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?
I’m thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
My cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it`s giving me serious ideas, folks
My new girlfiend is taking forever to exist.
If at first you don`t succeed, find out where she lives.
Bitch, I grew up on the streets!!...Yes, it was Sesame
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I`m in.
I`d totally order a salad bar. If it had lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, ketchup, mustard, hamburger and buns.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I`m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.