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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
Sorry that offended you, I really didn’t think you’d get it.
You don`t have to like me, I`m not a Facebook status.
I hate girls who insert the phrase "my boyfriend" into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say "pound me."
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it`s wide use three fingers, make sure it`s wet and rub up and down. Yep that`s how you wash a cup.
Besides tweeting during this job interview, what would you say is your biggest weakness?
You actually have friends? Yeah bro, all 10 seasons on DVD.
Sometimes it`s fun to make fun of yourself. Almost as fun as it is to make fun of others.
I`m not funny, I`m just really mean and people think I`m joking.
Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
I had your cake and ate it too.