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Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
WORST.... APOCALYPSE..... EVER.....
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
I wish I could google the things I’ve misplaced.
Honestly, it`s not the way I look that reveals my age. It`s my use of complete sentences, proper grammar and spelling when I text.
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can`t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
Today is that day where anything you read online could be totally made up. Oh, wait, that`s every day.
Yesterday I fell off a 50 foot ladder. It`s probably a good thing I was on the bottom step...
Naked and Afraid also describes the last time I spent a night at a Holiday Inn
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.
has a drinking problem...I can`t afford it