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Men, remember to re-stock the spiders this weekend so she remembers why she keeps you around.
I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?
I couldn`t find the word `Disappear` in the dictionary. Strange!
Flies are everywhere, unfortunately the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.
Remember, Christmas is over if you sit on a strangers lap now and ask for stuff it`s because you`re a whore.
There is no number for what just happened in that bathroom.
Not quite feeling myself today. I`m going to see if booze helps...
If your parachute doesn`t deploy don`t worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
I wonder if pet products are tested on humans?
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes off 9 minutes of your life.. According to my calculations i should have died in 1732.
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"
A recent study has found that woman who carry little extra weight live longer then the man who mention it
I end a sentence with `just saying` because ending with `dumba$$` would be offensive.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out