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I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...
Maybe vodka is addicted to me
I hate hanging out with MC Hammer, he never let`s me touch anything.
DO NOT LIKE THIS… Unless you’re a sexy beast.
I wonder how many messengers were killed before they came up with the saying.
I refuse to jump on the `I hate Mondays` bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally
It`s going to be so disappointing if we ever ask aliens about crop circles and they`re just like, "We really hate corn."
Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.
The fact that Google autocompletes all of my questions just reaffirms how unoriginal all my problems are.
Working in retail has taught me that the customer is always right. At least while they`re in earshot...
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they`ll erase what they did during the week.
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it`s not.
I`ve noticed that the squirrels are gathering nuts for the winter. Couple of my friends are missing...
Whenever you can`t think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I`ve been thinking about killing you."
There are two types of people I can`t stand. Nosy people, and people who won`t tell me what`s going on.