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I can`t tell them apart, was that Milli or Vanilli doing the sign language at Madela`s funeral?
To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce.
I sometimes goto Starbucks for coffee and tell them my name is Bueller ... Then leave before my coffe is ready
I`m trying to cut back on posting pics to Instagram, so I`m not going to eat anymore.
You know you`re getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.
Maybe there`s no such thing as automatic doors, just gentlemen ninjas.
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women hahaha
I`m a multi-taking procrastinator. I can put off all kinds of things all at once.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have
They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazines for the articles?
Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
Bacon is the only exception that does not fall under the 5 second rule for dropped food.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.