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Why do I get the feeling that a lot of you are using Facebook as a substitution for prescription meds?
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
people say i talk in my sleeep , but no one at work seems to notice
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eggs
OMG! I went shopping because I needed a skirt and these earings were on special so I bought four new pairs of shoes!
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain a lot of things......a LOT of things.
Theirye’re, problem solved.
Pizza: 73% delicious, 27% also delicious.
Getting drunk and listening to loud music solves 87% of all life`s problems
I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.
Right now my glass is half empty...Hey Bartender!!!
I`m Outdoorsy, as in I like to get drunk and pass out in the yard....
Is your drama going to have an intermission soon? I need to pee.
I’m positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.