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Financial status: I hope United Airlines drags me off my flight
I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender
They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
I`m glad it`s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.
I hope your day is as nice as your butt.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
Long time ago I used to be young and handsome.. Today? Just handsome
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
You don`t have to dress like you`re a handbag, unless you are Lady Gaga.
Peppermint Schnapps, the mouthwash you can swallow
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn`t finish my sandwich.
Life is like a p@nis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard
You´re never too old to learn something stupid.
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.
I can always tell when I`m drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards