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I got all my Christmas shopping done. Hope everyone likes bunny ears, ornamental grass, and discounted peeps.
Match dot com, but for socks.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose beer.
I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.
When someone tells me I`m going to hell, I`m like "yeah, duh, I work there part time as a tour guide!"
Thanks coffee for tricking us into believing that it`s a good morning for a few minutes.
Shout out to people who are hard of hearing.
i have noticed you notice me noticing you
There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter.
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
In your face with a can of mace, make you cry all over the place!!
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Hey you! Yea you ... Don`t just pass by my status and not say hi.
If we all had to wear a warning label, what would yours say?